| The wife has got to make a meal out of | | | | boys are far too short at 4/11 against a |
| everything. When giving birth, most women are | | | | capable Israeli side; the draw is the only |
| in and out in a few hours with minimal | | | | way to play at 7/2. |
| whining, but the wife had to have | | | | |
| 'complications'. I can't remember the exact | | | | People are quick to have a go at the Scots, |
| excuse she gave for her extended three-day | | | | but if it wasn't for our skirt-wearing |
| stay, I think it was something like a | | | | neighbours, we wouldn't have television, the |
| rupture, a breach, or the bed had collapsed. | | | | bicycle, penicillin, the telephone, or ginger |
| | | | children. Those Sweaties will try anything |
| While the wife was living it up in the ward | | | | after a few swallies. I'll raise a glass of |
| with a newborn and a variety of painkillers, | | | | Buckfast and Irn Bru to the 4/11 for a |
| I was left home alone. As with all of life's | | | | Scottish win over Lithuania. |
| little problems, the solution lay at the | | | | |
| bottom of a pint glass. Unsurprisingly, my | | | | 'Robbie Keane football shirts' are currently |
| bank balance took a real beating, as I ended | | | | the second-best selling product in Ireland; |
| up in a particularly expensive | | | | only the enduring popularity of the |
| round...barmaid. | | | | potato-peeler has kept them off top spot. The |
| | | | talismanic Keane can inspire the Irish to a |
| My actions were perfectly justified as | | | | win in Slovakia at 15/8. |
| desperate times call for desperate measures. | | | | |
| Steve McClaren can empathise, he's recalled | | | | The German team are a lot like me this |
| Emile Heskey to the England squad. | | | | weekend; we're both going to be pounding |
| | | | Wales. It'll be World War III if I miss out |
| Emile will always have supporters because of | | | | on the 1/2 for Germany. |
| his size. Heskey could easily be mistaken for | | | | |
| the side of a house, only he's more static. | | | | Thierry Henry must be devastated after his |
| There's an often repeated fallacy that big | | | | marriage officially ended this week. The |
| men don't have a good touch; with Emile, it's | | | | delightful Claire Merry cited 'unreasonable |
| purely a coincidence. | | | | behaviour' on her divorce petition, so |
| | | | naturally the judge gave her a quickie. I'm |
| A few shrewd footy observers have spoken of | | | | separating the bookies from their cash by |
| Heskey's improved form over the past couple | | | | backing Italy at 13/10 to take out the |
| of years. This may well be true, but he'll | | | | French. |
| never be a Pele; although he does remain | | | | |
| impotent on the international stage. | | | | If you believe the tabloids, Ronaldo, Nani, |
| | | | Anderson and a 'fat guy' have all been |
| England's midfield will also be | | | | gorging on expensive tarts. I can confirm |
| under-strength. Owen Hargreaves has joined | | | | that Wayne Rooney is definitely not the |
| Beckham and Lennon on the treatment table and | | | | mysterious fourth party, as he only gets |
| Frank Lampard has withdrawn with a thigh | | | | involved when the pastry is slightly |
| problem: he should really have called it a | | | | wrinkled. I absolutely refuse to discriminate |
| day after a bucket of wings. | | | | against the 4/9 for a Portugal win over |
| | | | Poland. |
| The goalkeeping position is also up in the | | | | |
| air. McClaren is expected to replace Paul | | | | I have no problem with Ronaldo celebrating |
| Robinson with David James, which is like | | | | last week's winning accer by playing immoral |
| swapping gonorrhea for piles. | | | | ball-games; i just want to know if he was |
| | | | throwing or catching. Scotland, Ireland, |
| I accept that sometimes you have to go | | | | Italy and Portugal form an 11/1 weekend accer |
| backwards to move forward, but that only | | | | that will hopefully lead to a definitive |
| works for female drivers. The England old | | | | answer. |